The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.