just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
we’re dead?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky