I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
welcome back
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
why am I working on Labor Day
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.