Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
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It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
and this one
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.