Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.