“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
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I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
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