Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Never forget.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.