@BuckyIsotope: Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser: Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ... Me: Tell my gf my phone password? LS: Break every bone in your body M: Oh. Yeah that's fine
@TEXASVETERAN: Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.
@funnyortruth: Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"