Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate