Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia