WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Check your privilege
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.