Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
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Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
The answer is funnier than the question
ACED my prostate exam!
why am I working on Labor Day
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?