Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
You Might Also Like
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.