“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.