*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
We like the way Dwight thinks
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.