Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
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BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Interior design 👌
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
concern
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people