Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
This can never not be funny 😭😭
mom had nothing to worry about
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.