i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
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The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
How I’d get arrested…
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays