Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
You Might Also Like
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”