Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
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You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.