Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Festive toon…
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.