Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
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maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
choose your fighter
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?