Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*