Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
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Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba