Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
You Might Also Like
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
The legends speak of a third Duran…
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*