Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
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[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.