9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
They’re not wrong
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera