[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
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Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
This hospital has everything
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.