[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
You Might Also Like
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”