Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
what the
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair