Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*