[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
mechanics be like
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No