[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this