freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I’m Sold!
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”