Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
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Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.