[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.