[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
can you read it!!??
maan!
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.