Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
You Might Also Like
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR