Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream