[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
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You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.