I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
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How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Plant care tips
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*