teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Called it
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.