Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I feel this so hard
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there