@ventivodkacran: Dinosaurs never had peanut butter and jelly and they all died.
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@LeBearGirdle: Wife: can you pick up milk? Me: [lifts gallon] yea it's easy Wife: I mean from the store Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
@KenJennings: Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
@KyleMcDowell86: [Elephant at a party] Nice piano! [me] thanks [Elephant] What are the keys made of? [Me] Uhh.. [Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle