People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
it must be school picture day
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro