Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
You Might Also Like
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
#inspiration #foodforthought
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.