Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I have many caverns
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.