Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
kids play hide and seek like
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig