Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?