Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
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It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS