ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.