Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.