Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”